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Archives for : October2015

Managing Expectations

I believe in searching yourself and acknowledging all parts of *you,* even those parts that you don’t necessarily like.

A while ago, I came to grips with the fact that, most times, I have a sense of closeness to other people that they don’t necessarily share. In other words, I tend to feel closer to others than they do to me. I read a whole lot into little things, that are more than likely nothing but a simple kind gesture on their part. This has been a common theme in my life. And to be honest, it hasn’t been one that has always turned out negatively, because there have been people who shared that same sense of closeness to me.

I made the decision to not try to change this within myself. Even when I tried, I failed. It’s me. It is what it is. Instead, I decided to learn how to cope with it and govern myself accordingly now that I know this part of me. It’s been an exhausting process, but a necessary one.

The bad thing about *this* is that, in the past (and present and future, I’m sure), I have been easily disappointed, hurt, upset, and on and on and on, over and over and over again. The fact that I feel fully (and embrace that as well) doesn’t help. But again, it is what it is.

Another bad is that in me knowing this about myself, I tend to overcompensate and accept ZERO hints. The only way I will be sure of how someone feels about me or views me is to explicitly hear it from them. Period. This makes sense to me. However, it also gives off an, “I don’t care” and distant vibe. At least from what I’ve been told. I’m still trying to figure out how to resolve that.

But I digress.

The good thing is that I’ve learned that it’s not always the other person’s fault. I’ve learned how to hold myself accountable in disappointment, etc.

Enter the title of this post. Managing expectations.

I used to cringe when I would hear people say, “Don’t have any expectations.” I mean, how? How is that even possible? I get it now. I totally get it. Having expectations leaves the door wide open to be hurt. But I don’t think it’s in having expectations that does this. I think the main issue is having inappropriate expectations.

A lot of times we sign people up for roles in our lives that they never agreed to play in the first place.

Whoa.

What?

Yes. We do. Sometimes, we may assume that because of “this” and/or “that,” it means that “they” wouldn’t/shouldn’t/couldn’t do “this” to us. And sometimes (most times?) that simply isn’t true. At times, it’s not that the other person is being mean or is even wrong. It’s just that they don’t see you how you see them, or, even worse, they simply are not what/who you want them to be.

Let me pause and say two things. 1. I am NOT saying to give a pass to manipulative people. Absolutely not. Those people are toxic. Get rid of them. 2. I am NOT saying that it’s okay for someone to go back on a mutually agreed upon course of action, under the guise of “well we really aren’t that cool,” etc. It’s not okay for people to break their word to you (and vice versa). Get rid of them.

What I AM saying is that, at times (a lot of times for me), it’s necessary to step back and examine situations when we experience disappointment and hurt. I’ve learned (or am learning) to step back and ask a few questions. 1. What exactly am I upset about right now? 2. Why did I expect anything different? 3. Why did I expect anything different from THIS PERSON? 4. Is my anger/disappointment/hurt appropriate? 5. What (who?) am I REALLY upset about? 6. Is this person worth keeping around?

Yes, it’s work. But it’s also worth it. Not managing your expectations will have you mad at people when it’s not appropriate and possibly dismissing people for reasons that are unfair (to both you AND them).

The message here is to look within when you’re dealing with people. Acknowledge your hurt, etc., but before you react and “deal” with it, just examine to make sure that you are aware of what/who you’re REALLY upset with. I promise, you’ll be better for it.

Peace.

There’s a story on Twitter. #Zola. You need to read it. Brace yourself tho.

I logged on Twitter this morning and kept seeing references to “The Zola Story.” I, as usual, ignored it at first, but when I started seeing media (Complex, Bossip, etc) post about it and get a lot of responses, I decided to check it out.

Look. Just know that this is probably the greatest story in Twitter history.

There’s language. And hoeing. And murder, attempted suicide, and trapping. And possibly sex trafficking?

Annnnnnnd you’re gonna laugh (also, it’s very long).

A lot.

You’ve been warned (via Complex).

 

And just in case you need some proof…

By the way, people on Twitter HAVE found the Facebook profiles of all involved. LOL

Look. I literally had tears in my eyes reading this. I am ON. THE. FLOOR.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

However, there’s one part of Zola that’s “eh” (aside from the obvious, LOL). She said she was hiding when Z went into the room, but then said where Z sat, etc. If you were hiding out of sight in the hallway of a hotel, how do you know where Z sat and looked, etc when he got in the room?

Zola’s (_@zolarmoon) gotta turn this into a screenplay or something. LOL.

Amazing.

UPDATED: 6:40pm

This just popped up…

And yeah. Imma go ahead and call BS on this. LOL.

Just somebody trolling looking for attention. Why?

Well this is one reason…

So “Z” is, at the very least, a real person. The story still may be fake, but I’m not gonna base that off of the above guy. Also, there are some people (strippers) in Florida who said this is EXACTLY how this stuff goes down there.

Sheesh.

School Resource Officer Ben Fields has been fired.

In case you aren’t aware of what happened in this case, you can click here to read about (and see) how Ben Fields attacked a student while she was sitting in her desk.

Anyway…

The South Carolina sheriff’s deputy who assaulted a teen girl in a classroom is going to be fired Wednesday, according to NBC News.

An official announcement on the fate of Richland County Senior Deputy Ben Fields has yet to come, but the network said sources gave early word of Sheriff Leon Lott’s plan to oust the out-of-control officer. Lott is scheduled to give a press conference at noon.

WORD.

Next steps? Arrested for assault AND the family needs to sue him for EVERYTHING he has. The family has PLENTY of proof to win. Actually, they should probably sue the department. Eh. Whatever. Just do it.

To those who are STILL saying that he was right…now what?

Also, I’ve seen people say that he was justified because she attacked him. Guys, y’all should get that checked out. You’re literally distorting reality just to fir your twisted narrative and naivete. It’s not healthy. I can refer you to some mental health services. Just let me know.

 

School officer assaults South Carolina teenager in the classroom. {Watch}

I saw the story pop up yesterday, but didn’t watch the video until later. I was absolutely stunned.

Let’s start with the video.

 

wistv.com – Columbia, South Carolina  
 
Here’s a longer version..
 

wistv.com – Columbia, South Carolina

 

Now, naturally I was upset. I verbally responded reacted watching this. Then. I decided to look for the whole story. Maybe I had missed something. Maybe she had just committed a homicide or had a grenade and was threatening the classroom. Maybe she had just assaulted the teacher. Maybe she was a threat to national security.

School officials confirmed the incident happened on Monday between a female student and school resource officer Ben Fields.

Fields, according to Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott, was acting in response to the student, who was refusing to leave class.

“The student was told she was under arrest for disturbing school and given instructions which she again refused,” Lott said. “The video then shows the student resisting and being arrested by the SRO.”

The video shows Fields approaching the girl sitting at a desk in a classroom. Fields grabs the girl’s arm while putting his own arm around the student’s neck.

{WISTV}

She…refused to leave class.

She wasn’t a present or imminent threat to ANYBODY.

I was done with this post when I saw these tweets from a student that goes there….

Oh. And SRO stands for “Student Resource Officer.” What authority does this officer have? I’m going to violate my own rule and reference Wikipedia on this one….

School resource officers (SROs) are sworn law enforcement officers who are responsible for providing security and crime prevention services in the American school environment.

SROs are typically employed by a local police or sheriff‘s agency and work closely with administrators in an effort to create a safer environment for both students and staff. The responsibilities of SROs are similar to regular police officers in that they have the ability to make arrests, respond to calls for service, and document incidents that occur within their jurisdiction.

Okay. So that answers that.

Debbie Hamm, superintendent for Richland School District Two, said in a statement officials were “deeply concerned” about the incident.

“Student safety is and always will be the district’s top priority,” Hamm said. “The district will not tolerate any actions that jeopardize the safety of our students. Pending the outcome of the investigation, the district has directed that the school resource officer not return to any school in the district.”

The student had refused to leave class before the school officer became involved, the sheriff’s office told the local TV station WIST.

James Manning, chairman of the school board, called the video “extremely disturbing” in an email statement Monday evening. He said the use of force appears “excessive and unnecessary.” Fields, said Manning, has been banned from all school property.

“Staff are committed to the safety of all of our students and are taking immediate steps to ensure that our students are treated with the full respect and dignity that they deserve while in our care,” Manning said.

{Huffington Post}

At the beginning of this post, I said the incident stunned me. But what stunned me even more, was seeing those who were defending the officer. And no, I’m not talking about white people. Black people, men AND women (!?), are saying that the force WASN’T excessive, and that the student brought it on herself by failing to comply with the officer.

(At this point, someone asked her if she’d seen the video. She responded that she hadn’t.)

^^I agree.

^^Let me just pause here and say that EYE would be pissed at ANY cop, black, red, blue, white, or yellow, who put his hands on my daughter, niece, sister, cousin, homegirl…WHATEVER.

But that’s just me. And I have a sneaky suspicion that this is the same for A LOT of people.

In fact, to be honest, in all that I have read about it (so far), I haven’t seen race being a contributing factor (well, one person on Twitter said that he felt that if it were a white teenager then this wouldn’t have happened…).

*scratches head*

But you just said…… EH.

Come sit down. Let’s talk.

WHAT?

How could  ANYBODY (this is not directed at this one person, but at ALL individuals who say this officer’s actions are justified) look at this and say his actions were appropriate (and the people in the classroom said and did NOTHING, including the grown a** man teacher)? A teenager is, well, being a teenager and being defiant. Refusing to get up from her seat. What danger is she causing anybody that warrants attempting to put her in a choke-hold, flipping her over (IN HER DESK), and dragging her across the floor?

How was she resisting?

Where was the violence she was exhibiting that justified a violent reaction?

Do I believe teenagers should obey authority? ABSOLUTELY. When she was told by her teacher to get out of his classroom, that’s EXACTLY what she should’ve done. That’s the SAME expectation I would have of a student in MY classroom, and I teach grown college folks.

But what that DOESN’T mean, is that you get to respond excessively and assault a student. That’s what you DON’T get to do.

How can you said his action was appropriate? Not to mention the fact that even school officials have said it was inappropriate and the sheriff is requesting and independent FBI and U.S. Justice Department investigation?

As a parent, you’d be okay with seeing that video….because your child should’ve gotten up?

Unbelievable.

Here’s a reaction from Martin O’Malley (press play)…

So again….where is your justification?

I hope this “school resource officer” loses EVERYTHING. I hope this child’s parents sues the literal pants off of him and that he will FOREVER remember that day as the day his entire life ended up in shambles.

Unbelievable.

Word.

 

Dear Houstonians, Let’s talk about HERO (Houston Equal Rights Ordinance/Proposition 1).

As you are probably well aware, Houston’s Equal Rights Ordinance was introduced by Mayor Annise Parker last year. Initially, it caused an uproar because of the inclusion of a piece that would let people use the bathrooms/locker rooms of their choice, depending on the gender they identify with.

Here’s a (very) brief history of HERO, via Texas Monthly:

Why Did Houston Pass An Equal Rights Ordinance?
Texas is one of more than twenty states without a statewide law that prohibits discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity. Instead, individual cities and counties in the state can choose to pass their own non-discrimination ordinances.

Who Does HERO Apply To?

There’s some misinformation that HERO only applies to LGBT individuals, when in fact it is an ordinance that protects the rights of everyone who lives or works in Houston. The ordinance names “Protected Characteristics,” and makes discriminating against someone on the basis of these traits subject to punishment by a fine up to $5,000 over time. From HERO’s text:

[T]he City of Houston seeks to provide an environment that is free of any type of discrimination based on sex, race, color, ethnicity, national origin, age, familial status, marital status, military status, religion, disability, sexual orientation, genetic information, gender identity, or pregnancy

Okay. Now here’s where I’m not completely clear. This same article states this:

Why All The Legal Drama?

When Parker unveiled HERO for the first time last year, there was a section that would allow people to use the restroom or locker room that best fit their gender identity. Although the section was ultimately removed a few weeks later—a decision that was approved not only by opponents of HERO, but also by Monica Roberts, a transgender blogger based in Houston—its initial inclusion sparked a lot of controversy and backlash from people.

This says that the restroom/locker room section was removed. However, when I looked for some recent information today (this Texas Monthly article is from Jan. 2015), this is what I found.

“HERO protects all people’s rights. I think for those who are concerned about people who may do something that is illegal, those protections are already here. Illegal behavior is already illegal behavior. I don’t think there’s much to worry about.”

HERO opponents adamantly disagree with that assertion. They’ve taken to the airwaves to voice their concerns. They insisted outlawing discrimination based on “gender identity” could prove dangerous. Even Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick weighed in on the measure, saying if HERO is allowed to stand grown men could enter a woman’s restroom anytime whenever they want.

“It’s not about equal rights. Equal rights are covered under the law. What it is about, by voting no to stop men who on any given day can consider themselves a woman and can go into a woman’s restroom,” said Lt. Governor Patrick. “If defies common sense and decency.”

{ABC}

And this…

Critics of the law have long alleged that it would allow male sexual predators dressed in drag to enter womens’ restrooms.

“What’s being lost is that it’s already illegal to go into a bathroom to harm or harass someone,” Reed says in the ad. “This law won’t change that. We looked into it, and HERO is actually about providing a needed local tool to protect Houstonians from discrimination based on their race, religion, age, gender, military status, pregnancy, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability.”

{Houston Chronicle}

So, what it seems to be, is that while the specific wording was removed, the actual act is still covered.

And personally, that is troubling.

This is what I wrote in response to a Facebook post asking about positions on HERO:

First of all, let me say that while I am a Christian, I do not feel my “Christian values” are being threatened with this. Nothing is going to threaten *my* faith. So that is that.

Originally, when I read the HERO ordinance, the biggest issue was the whole
“bathroom” thing. Then when I returned to read more into it, Texas Monthly wrote that the bathroom issue had been dismissed from the bill.

I just went back to make sure I knew what it was all covering, and it turns out the bathroom issue is still an issue.

I do not see a problem with the ordinance on the surface. It is basically the federal law, however, since the language of the federal law doesn’t include LGBT individuals, that group isn’t legally offered the same protections. And I am 100% in agreement with ending discrimination against LGBT people. No matter how I feel or what I am spiritually, I DO know wrong when I see it.

BUT. The bathroom part IS an issue for me. While it is not the fault of those who identify as LGBT, there ARE sick people out here. At ANY point, if a man wants to walk into a bathroom with a woman, all he would need to do is say (I don’t know how this logistically plays out) that he identifies as a woman. And that is troubling for me. Not only as a single woman who goes places by herself, but as an aunt of small children, etc.

This ordinance is going to get a “NO” vote for me. If I do not have the proper understanding, I am willing for someone to educate me. As for now, I will go and read more about it to again, make sure I have the proper understanding.

That last part remains true. I am still looking up more information to make 100% sure I am aware of what the bill says. I am aware that there are some places that are exempt. And I am also aware that there are places already that have gender-neutral bathrooms. I’ve been in them.

Again, it could be that I have a total misunderstanding (as I just read that the bathroom piece would only apply to city buildings? Confused!) and need to educate myself more. If you find yourself in the same boat with me, then I encourage you to do the same.

Here is a link to the actual ordinance.

Thoughts?

UPDATED: October 25, 2015

I’m revisiting this, for a couple of reasons.

First, because I saw this commercial on TV after I initially wrote this:

And it touched on something that I’d been wondering. There are other cities that have a HERO-like ordinance in place. I was curious as to how those places have done as far as violence against women and children are concerned. According to this commercial, there hasn’t been an increase.

Second, I’d just like to say that I find it interesting that those who are concerned with this bathroom issue are receiving such backlash from those who support HERO. It is a legitimate concern. Now, who people should REALLY be upset with is the mayor. Had she not made such a big deal out of this ONE piece to begin with and tried to shove it down the throats of Houstonians, acceptance of this ordinance would more than likely not have been an issue. But her method was ALL WRONG. Even to the point of a court telling her to chill. And I won’t even go into the whole trying to subpoena local pastors’ sermons thing.

So I’m left with a decision. I know I said that my vote is a “no,’ however, I’m also wanting to make sure that I’m being reasonable. I absolutely 100% agree with (almost) every single part of this ordinance. All except one piece. Is that one piece a big enough concern to ignore all of the good in this ordinance? Or do I want to hold out (I know it depends on way more than just my vote, though LOL) in hopes that this piece will be appropriately addressed later (leave it up to the establishments) and a flawless ordinance is then introduced?

I’m sure this is a decision that many are struggling with. And I’d urge people to understand that the only reason there should be a “no” vote is because of a safety concern, and not because you’re supporting discrimination.

So that’s where I am. Guess I will have to come to a decision very soon, huh?