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Archives for : July2016

Read this ONLY if you’d like to see THE perfect clapback on a racist.

I got a notification to read this, and it was the best decision of my day so far….

I see you’ve opened this.

That means you’ve made a REALLY good decision as well.

In case the full text doesn’t show up…here it is:

This will be long, but I think it’s worth it. It’s actually super long, like get a beverage if you’re going to read this.

For the first time ever, I’ve had to block someone on Facebook for sending me the most ignorant message I may have ever directly received. I rarely block anyone, but when I do, it’s usually because they’re a hassle, or they don’t seem to have anything better to do than talk to, or about, me. Or they blocked me, and then unblock me, but I felt like being petty. But this was the first time I’ve done it from a place of what may be pain— I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about it, given the timing as it relates to 2 nonviolent black men being shot by police for driving or standing in front of a car within 48 hours of each other.

“Look, Gary, cut the crap. You’re a light-skinned black kid from Clear Lake, stop acting like you know the struggle of what it’s like to be black in ghetto America. All I see on my newsfeed is your posts about black people. Being black is just as hard as being any other color. We all have bills to pay and laws to obey. You went to nothing but white schools and most of your friends are white. I see right through you and I think everyone else on Facebook does too. Go to WorldStarHipHop if you want your people’s sympathy.” Ironically, their stellar use of capital letters and punctuation would suggest that they’re educated. Don’t worry, I was fooled too.

Before I jump into it, the “bills to pay and laws to obey” was pretty sweet… Although you forgot the part about taking bullets for no apparent reason… oh wait… Nevermind, I’ll save it for my formal response.

I’ll try to make my undeserved response tame and brief (after typing it, I realize I have failed on the brevity front):

I’ll take it in reverse order, just to mix it up a bit. Okay. Ahem. Let’s see here. Facebook is a cool place, at times. I get to talk about my day, interact with mostly law student and lawyers, catch up with old friends from my previous college— or high school— which you seem to think only had 1 person of color enrolled… But one of my favorite parts of Facebook is the pictures. My Cover Photo, for example. You know, the one on my profile of me at a podium with a banner draped over the front that reads BLACK Law Students Association, as I deliver a fire speech in a room full of… BLACK people. Joining that association, and serving as an officer was totally voluntary btw. Yeah, pictures are fun.

I took pictures at Texas A&M too. There are other BLACK people there. Believe it or not, there are enough of us to form several organizations. We organize. And I’m talking about actual students, not just the athletes there on scholarships. Crazy, I know. At A&M you can also take a BLACK history class, and there are BLACK professors and BLACK TAs. If you weren’t smart enough to get in (although you sure are bigoted enough), the best I can do in explaining to you how many BLACK people go to that 50,000+ student school is to tell you that it wasn’t a novelty to see another black person on campus. There are probably more BLACK people at A&M than there are out of state residents. But it’s unfortunate that you take issue with me being BLACK and choosing to go to one of the best public universities in the nation. That’s what happens when you’re intelligent, you have choices.

But back to pictures. I post a lot of pictures, especially since I’ve been studying for the bar— they’re just quicker. Don’t you see any of those? Is it only the posts about BLACK people? Hmmm, that’s interesting. Facebook has this thing called an algorithm, it tracks what you look at, how long you look at it, what you like, what you hide, etc. If you “only” see my posts about BLACK people… you must look at a lot of posts about BLACK people… Given how sideways you just came at me about my BLACKness, I’m going to assume you’re either a hater or a troll. Maybe you can think complex thoughts and be both? You should stop by my profile sometime and look at my pictures to supplement my BLACK status updates. Just be aware that the pictures you see will be of me. Spoiler alert: I’m BLACK.

I have to step away from my picture theme to address the geographical point you decided to make. I don’t know where I said I know what it’s like to be in “ghetto America”. I don’t think that was something I even implied. But just to clear up any confusion, I have no clue what it’s like to be in “ghetto America”. But I do know there are cops in Clear Lake, Webster, Friendswood (they try so hard) and Pearland. These cops have guns, just like the police in “ghetto America”. And as much as you may not want to believe it, there is nothing special about the Clear Lake air that will stop a bullet from flying straight into my light-skinned flesh and taking the BLACK life right out of me. By the way, I don’t know what being light-skinned has to do with anything… but whatever, I’m not going to get in my feelings about it for fear of perpetuating a stereotype. Ahem, moving on.

But back to my picture theme. One thing that’s really cool about the Internet: you can archive things and take screenshots— a picture of whatever is on the screen. And then you can save things from the Internet, like pictures, locally on your computer. But wait, there’s more! You can use the Internet to go to other sites— like your employer’s website. The great thing about publicly traded companies is the duties they owe to their shareholders (people who own stock in the company). Like the duty to disclose, for example. One of the things the company you work for chose to graciously disclose on their website was their mission statement. Here’s an interesting snippet: “[Company] strives to provide a community of individuals from many diverse backgrounds and with differing interests and goals, a community that reflects the diversity of the world outside [Company] and one that promotes inquiry, dialogue, and other activities pivotal to a democratic society. The concept of diversity encompasses acceptance and respect. It is about understanding each other and moving beyond simple tolerance to embracing and celebrating diversity.” Then I began to wonder what would happen if I sent your little nastygram to your boss. Don’t worry, I decided against it because he’s white and he looks like a guy who’s a racist on the weekends. I know I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover… but BLACK people are hardly ever wrong about someone being a racist… The 3 things we get right are athletics, culture (“culcha”), and racist detection. I digress. I was almost discouraged, but then I thought about who else I could talk to. HR is full of names that sound white (no pictures— maybe for anonymity), and customer service probably wouldn’t have been productive. But then I looked at your boss’s boss. He is BLACK! And so was his boss! Two really soulful looking gentlemen— I got excited! Did you know you’re working under BLACK people (plural)? Way under. That must be hard for you.

Your employer has a really good website— very informative. It just lists people’s email and direct lines and mailing address and the works! Emails were such a game changer. What’s even nicer is their random drug testing policy… it’s right there on the site. They reserve the right to subject all employees to a drug test if they have a reason to believe you’re under the influence of drugs while at work. Your dumbass posted several photos on Instagram with marijuana paraphernalia and a video of you blowing smoke (you must have been bored, I get it) from what appears to be a blunt. Well, I took those things called screenshots and I emailed them to the soulful brothas that tell you how high to jump at work. I sent the message you sent me, the 2 photos and 2 screenshots from the video of you being a cool kid (I hope the 4 “likes” were worth it). I hope you know how to beat a drug test… with less than a 4-hour notice. I then composed a nice email wherein I made the argument as to how far outside of the scope of the company’s mission to achieve “diversity, acceptance and respect” your conduct was. And just to really sell it (pun kind of intended), I got on ETrade and put in an order to buy 200 shares of your company’s stock when the market opens in less than 3 hours. Wait, did I say “your” company? When that opening bell rings in New York, I’ll own a portion of the company you work for (which is why I’m not using the companies name, just in case this goes viral I don’t want the price to drop while I’m invested). You’ll kind of work for me. And so will your bosses, my brothas in the culcha. The email they get this morning won’t be from a vengeful law student. The email they read will be from a concerned shareholder who has an interest in the company’s hiring practices, commitment to diversity, and zero tolerance drug policy. If they decide not to take that seriously, they might find themselves defending an expensive shareholder lawsuit. Not that I have the time or desire to do that, but they don’t know that.

In any event, here’s why you’re fucked. I finished studying for the bar early and the espresso is still going strong. So I had all that time, and an enhanced ability, to focus on you and fucking your life up for at least a few days. I don’t know if you want to skip work and miss out on whatever wage you would have earned until you get the weed out of your system, or if you want to resign now, or go to work and get fired. But they may just fire you for being a racist and hindering their mission to achieve diversity, acceptance, and respect. It really doesn’t fucking matter. Lesson: if you must be a racist, and if you must subject other people to your ignorance, make sure you choose the recipient of your efforts wisely. I’d suggest someone with little to no education, little to no time on their hands, little to no money to buy the company you work for, and a terrible internet connection (that makes finding your email to send this to you much more of a pain using Lexis Nexis Public Records).

You chose the wrong one, Buddy. But McDonald’s is always hiring cashiers and Waste Management is always hiring “technicians”. Oh shoot, those are publicly traded companies too… Glass half-full. Keep your head up, Champ.

Me:

Me:

Me:

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE:

ME ME ME ME ME:

This is GENIUS.

The clapback is flawless.

Y’all will learn.

Peace.

LHHATL: Joseline Hernandez is Pregnant

Soooooo I just saw this:

Ummm…..

 

There’s no telling who the father of this kid is.

And if the rumors are true, poor kid.

Whew.