Archives for : Sex


In response to the recent diagnoses of the Ebola virus basically right up the street from me (!?!??!!?!?!) I posted this status on Facebook:

I just wanna get married and experience great married sex before the Ebola takes over, bruh.

One of the responses I received from a married woman was:

it’s good….real good….

And then when it was pointed out that she was basically testifying and throwing it in my face, her response was:

To TESTIFY….in fact I was about to give my TESTIMONY from last night but decided that might be a bit much

Ha ha ha! She also asked me why I haven’t given any updates from a class I’m taking this semester, which is basically all about sex (counseling for sexual concerns).

As I was about to respond to her on Facebook, a recent class discussion came to mind.  And I decided to write a blog about it instead of responding to her on Facebook. This discussion has to do with sex and marriage.

Although I know she was (sort of) playing about giving the details of the (obviously) great sex she has been having with her husband, I started to think about the “but decided that might be a bit much” part of her response. The fact is that, for some reason, this is how society (generally) views the public discussion of sex between married couples.

We hear songs and sing loud and hard about random sex these men and women are having with random women and men…and it is cool with us. We jam HARD. Sing along, get in our feeling, alladat! Oh. But let a married woman start talking about how she is enjoying sex with her husband!?!? Then it’s all, “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!?!?!?!” and “THAT’S INAPPROPRIATE! YOU’RE MARRIED!?!?!” The best example I can give is with Beyonce (which I gave in class as well).  As soon as she started singing about the amazing sex she’s having WITH HER HUSBAND people were wondering what happened to the little girl from Houston, Texas? I guess they expected a 31 year old woman to continue making songs about dancing in the club and being single, huh? But I digress.

For some reason, we’ve been taught that married people should keep the fact that they are enjoying each other to themselves and NOBODY should know about it. I mean, we *know* they are having sex…but we shouldn’t ever REALLY know ANYTHING about it. And HEAVEN FORBID a married woman actually SAYS something about enjoying sex!?!?!?!?!

My class recently watched a lecture entitled, “Constructing the Sexual Crucible” by David Schnarch (it’s also a book).  In it, he made a point that has stuck with me.  He stated that we are taught that marriage kills sex.  And he is absolutely correct! The message that is (generally) given is that sex is a chore that nobody really wants to do after being in marriage for a while. Or that they want to, but are just toooooo tired or toooooo busy. I can tell you, as a single woman (who desires marriage) it’s kinda sad. It has also charged me with committing to do whatever it is I need to do along with my future husband to make sure all is well in that department.

So I’m like, wait. Let me get this straight. So you dated and (more than likely) enjoyed sex with this person, and decided to vow to spend your life with them…and after a few years in the sex DECLINES!? And if you didn’t have sex with each other before marriage…you waited all this time to just have it go down after some years!? I’m pretty sure that’s not how that’s supposed to work.  And I know what some of you all are thinking. Careers, kids, responsibilities…blah blah blah. Yeah. But. I’m pretty sure that sex and partners pleasing each other is pretty high on that list as well, no?

And for the life of me I can’t figure out why talking about sex is seen as a sign of disrespect for one’s wife/husband? The fact that a married couple is enjoying the most intimate of acts withing their marriage is disrespectful? Nah.

Is marriage ALL about sex? NOPE.  But I think there are quite a few people who will agree with me that (1)  it’s pretty important and (2) it shouldn’t be something that’s a chore for married couples. Why not enjoy each other?  Why not keep your sex life fun, exciting, and enjoyable (which is all relative, so DO YOU!!)? And what is so bad with letting single people know (especially those who desire marriage) that you’re REALLYYYYY enjoying your wife/husband sexually?

(Caveat: most couples that go to therapy due to a lack of sex/pleasure find out that it’s not the actual sex that’s the problem. So basically I’m saying…WORK THAT ISH OUT AND GET BACK TO THE BUSINESS.)

Am I saying that I should know every single detail about what goes on in your bedroom? Nope. But what I AM saying is that I honestly believe that every single married couple (who wants to have sex) should be actively working to (1) enjoy sex and (2) dispel the rumor that marriage kills sex.

But that’s just me.

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