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Hey Married Folks, Are y’all enjoying sex?

…ummm…I mean…are y’all enjoying sex WITH YOUR SPOUSE.

Just thought I needed to make that clear.

Anyway, I am currently reading a piece of William Glasser’s book,  Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom, and this part caught my eye (and is true):

To keep long-term sex satisfying, the couple must have the freedom to communicate without fear. If they can’t talk, how can they solve the usual sexual problem of a lasting marriage, which is always some variation of Let’s do something a little different the next time we make love? Even in a good marriage, sex, like any other repetitive behavior, easily gets stale. If the couple does it when they are tired, without consideration of what the other wants, and without agreeing on the preliminaries or if they believe that married sex can’t be exciting, sex starts to fade away. Our genes have provided us with one of the most enjoyable of all opportunities, but many couples are unable or unwilling-it’s really the same thing-to take advantage of this opportunity.

They are unwilling partly because, in the beginning when sex is new, we don’t have to worry about being creative. But as time goes on, to keep it exciting, we all have to infuse it with a little creativity. If not, one or both partners may grow disinterested and start to take sex with each other out of their quality worlds. As they do so, they often start fantasizing about someone else when, with a little creativity, each could still satisfy the other. The ides of sexual excitement with a new partner is the reason for all the sexual banter that frequently goes on between men and women. They want to reexperience the fantasies they had when they were starting out, and a lot of the flirty banter is creative.

“Quality world” in the language of choice/reality theory, means your personal world of people, things, and experiences that make you happy. That’s a very short description.

I am very interested in the sex lives of married folks. It was my (close) second thought for my dissertation topic. It’s just something that would take a looooong time so I decided to go another route (cause chile I’m tryna get done, okay?). Anyway, the general position that married folks put out there is that sex gets boring and decreases with marriage. That is ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong – I know there are responsibilities, etc. I get it. Jobs, kids, aging parents, etc. I know. Being tired is a thing. Not wanting to be touched sometimes is a thing. Just wanting time to yourself is a thing. I GET IT. But there is no reason why a married couple shouldn’t be enjoying sex and lovemaking – even if it is happening less frequently than it was before (at times, this may be something to work on as well).

*Disclaimer or whatever: Most times, sexual problems within a marriage are indicative of other issues within the marriage. Depending on what’s going on, sex might not be *the* thing that needs to be addressed*

I saw something about Tammy Franklin, gospel artist Kirk Franklin’s wife, recently saying that a wife should be her husband’s girlfriend too (I didn’t read it. I just reacted to the headline). My position is that there should be NOTHING that is attractive about being ANY PART of a girlfriend to a wife. There is no separation of, or longing for the position of, a girlfriend to a wife unless the wife doesn’t wanna be a wife anymore and YIKES because the wife has ALREADY been a girlfriend and is now that on steroids (and vice versa MEN). A wife is a step up and encompasses all of what the girlfriend was, but is now just…more. I do not understand why married couples, especially CHRISTIAN married couples, aren’t having the hottest, filthiest, most enjoyable sex with their spouses that they’ve ever had in their entire lives. As Glasser posits above, this takes communication and creativity, both of which are worth it.

So I ask you married folks, are you enjoying sex with your husbands/wives? If so – I’M SO PROUD OF YOU. If not, then speak up and get to work!

Shameless plug: Counseling is EXCELLENT for these issues. 🙂

P.S. Please don’t respond to me with “sex isn’t everything in marriage.” I mean DUH. I know this. But it IS an important part that often goes neglected. Save it. Thankyouverymuch.

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