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Her Husband Says He Wants To Leave Her…She Basically Just Ignores Him

You absolutely must read this before reading the rest of this blog—> “He said he was leaving. She ignored him.

No, seriously.  You have to read it cause that’s what this entire post is about.  I’ll put some pieces in here but you really should get a feel for the entire thing.

Ok.  So now that you’ve read it (or not), let me say that I had to take a minute to gather myself before I reacted.  I tried to be as objective as possible. But this part right here?

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say, “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

No sir and no ma’am.  You, as my grown ass man husband, come and tell me you don’t love me anymore and want to leave?  I’m going to grant you your wish.  I will not respond to my grown ass man husband the way a mother would respond to a child throwing a temper tantrum….because…he isn’t a child.  NOPE. Not Tasha. As an adult, I believe you have the right to feel what you feel and and do some critical thinking.  I’m thinking that you’ve thought about how you feel about me for some time and the conclusion that you’ve come to is that you don’t love me anymore.  WELP. Okay.  I believe you. The FIRST time you say it.  And I’m DEFINITELY not going to give you the opportunity to repeat it.

Now.  I’m considering the fact that this wife knows that her husband has been hit hard in the place of employment.  And she knows that is rough on him.  So initially, I get her not “believing” his “I don’t love you anymore.”  BUT:

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual 6 o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July — the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks — to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time, as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.

NOPE!

You’re having a hard time with employment?  Fine.  You acting out in an irresponsible and hurtful manner in front of our children!? NOPE!

So.  Instead of “hurting the family” by giving him exactly what it is that he wants and allowing him to act like a grown child on his own (and come to his own conclusions about what he “needs”), you keep him in the house with your children so he can hurt the family in a way that is visible to said kids?

NOAP.

Now.  I see that this ended up working for her.  But, my initial (maybe harsh) reaction is that she’s selfish.  She explains that she had just embarked on a commitment to herself called “the End of Suffering.”  So basically no matter what, she wasn’t going to let any situation or circumstance cause her to suffer.  But what about the kids?

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!?!?!?!?!?!?!

They don’t have the emotional maturity to participate in “the End of Suffering.”  If you, as a woman, want to put yourself in a situation where you’re ignoring the fact that you’re hurting or have been hurt, COOL.  But trust and believe, those kids didn’t find it as easy.

While I’m not married, I’m almost sure I can say that my husband would’ve had to go and have his irresponsible breakdown away from myself and my children.  The fact that instead of coming TO me, he concluded to run AWAY from me…and then aim to hurt me as much as possible, in front of our children, is unacceptable. Absolutely not. No.

AND THEN when you get done hurting me and decide that you want to talk about our future again, it’s all good and we go back to being a family!?  What you have just taught this man is that no matter how he acts out, he gets to 1) stay home and 2) decide when he wants to be a family man.

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

But.  She’s happy.  So.  That’s all that counts, right? I just don’t think y’all should try to do the same thing (for the most part).  This is how women go crazy and end up killing their husbands cause they snapped.  Now your kids don’t have either parent. No.

A piece of me (like 3%) admires her for sticking it out.  But the other 97% still thinks she’s selfish.

Check out my follow-up to this post: “If Marriage Is A Woman Voluntarily Suffering, Then Yeah. No Thanks.

Comment (1)

  1. […] This is a follow-up to my post from yesterday, “Her Husband Says He Wants To Leave Her…She Basically Just Ignores Him“ […]

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