Managing Expectations

I believe in searching yourself and acknowledging all parts of *you,* even those parts that you don’t necessarily like.

A while ago, I came to grips with the fact that, most times, I have a sense of closeness to other people that they don’t necessarily share. In other words, I tend to feel closer to others than they do to me. I read a whole lot into little things, that are more than likely nothing but a simple kind gesture on their part. This has been a common theme in my life. And to be honest, it hasn’t been one that has always turned out negatively, because there have been people who shared that same sense of closeness to me.

I made the decision to not try to change this within myself. Even when I tried, I failed. It’s me. It is what it is. Instead, I decided to learn how to cope with it and govern myself accordingly now that I know this part of me. It’s been an exhausting process, but a necessary one.

The bad thing about *this* is that, in the past (and present and future, I’m sure), I have been easily disappointed, hurt, upset, and on and on and on, over and over and over again. The fact that I feel fully (and embrace that as well) doesn’t help. But again, it is what it is.

Another bad is that in me knowing this about myself, I tend to overcompensate and accept ZERO hints. The only way I will be sure of how someone feels about me or views me is to explicitly hear it from them. Period. This makes sense to me. However, it also gives off an, “I don’t care” and distant vibe. At least from what I’ve been told. I’m still trying to figure out how to resolve that.

But I digress.

The good thing is that I’ve learned that it’s not always the other person’s fault. I’ve learned how to hold myself accountable in disappointment, etc.

Enter the title of this post. Managing expectations.

I used to cringe when I would hear people say, “Don’t have any expectations.” I mean, how? How is that even possible? I get it now. I totally get it. Having expectations leaves the door wide open to be hurt. But I don’t think it’s in having expectations that does this. I think the main issue is having inappropriate expectations.

A lot of times we sign people up for roles in our lives that they never agreed to play in the first place.



Yes. We do. Sometimes, we may assume that because of “this” and/or “that,” it means that “they” wouldn’t/shouldn’t/couldn’t do “this” to us. And sometimes (most times?) that simply isn’t true. At times, it’s not that the other person is being mean or is even wrong. It’s just that they don’t see you how you see them, or, even worse, they simply are not what/who you want them to be.

Let me pause and say two things. 1. I am NOT saying to give a pass to manipulative people. Absolutely not. Those people are toxic. Get rid of them. 2. I am NOT saying that it’s okay for someone to go back on a mutually agreed upon course of action, under the guise of “well we really aren’t that cool,” etc. It’s not okay for people to break their word to you (and vice versa). Get rid of them.

What I AM saying is that, at times (a lot of times for me), it’s necessary to step back and examine situations when we experience disappointment and hurt. I’ve learned (or am learning) to step back and ask a few questions. 1. What exactly am I upset about right now? 2. Why did I expect anything different? 3. Why did I expect anything different from THIS PERSON? 4. Is my anger/disappointment/hurt appropriate? 5. What (who?) am I REALLY upset about? 6. Is this person worth keeping around?

Yes, it’s work. But it’s also worth it. Not managing your expectations will have you mad at people when it’s not appropriate and possibly dismissing people for reasons that are unfair (to both you AND them).

The message here is to look within when you’re dealing with people. Acknowledge your hurt, etc., but before you react and “deal” with it, just examine to make sure that you are aware of what/who you’re REALLY upset with. I promise, you’ll be better for it.


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  1. […] feeling, assessing if it’s appropriate, deal with it, and move on (I wrote something on managing your expectations. I think it works here). If that means taking a break from the sexual relationship or ending it […]