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Keeping Secrets From Your Spouse: Is There Ever A “Good” Reason?

One of the morning shows I listen to is 104.1 KRBE “The Roula and Ryan Show.”  They have a couple of segments that can get really really good.  One of those is “Roula and Ryan’s Roses.”  This is where one party of a couple calls the show, and asks them to call their significant other and offer them free roses.  What happens is that Roula (usually) acts like she’s calling for a new flower company who is running a promotion.  They ask the person on the phone who they would like to send a FREE arrangement of a dozen roses to, and then to get everything clear, they ask what it is they want them to write on the card that will be sent with said roses.

This morning I am assuming it was the “Roses” segment I caught. I have to assume because I came in at the tail end.  This is what ended up happening.

A wife (Veronica) called in and wanted the show to call the husband because he’d been MIA lately and she tracked his phone which constantly led him to a hospital.  So she thought he was cheating on her.

Well.  The show called the husband (Paul).  I have NO idea how the roses came out, but it turns out that Paul was going to the hospital so much because he was taking his mom (Lisa) to deal with a serious medical issue that she (Lisa) asked him to keep private because she was embarrassed about it.   Turns out Lisa was right there next to Paul and hopped on the line..and SHE. WENT. IN. ON. VERONICA.  Two scathing comments she made to Veronica was:

“You don’t deserve to have children.  Not if you’re going to treat them and not trust them like you’re showing with my son.” <— Veronica went ABSOLUTELY silent.

“My son deserves better than you.”

OUCH. OUCH. OUCH. OUCH.

So then Paul got back on the line and said now he’s in a terrible position. He “had” to keep this from Veronica because his mom was embarrassed at her medical situation and asked him not to tell.  Now his mother and his wife are going to be at odds and he’s extremely frustrated.  Ryan (I think) asked Veronica why she didn’t just ask Paul if he was cheating on her.  She said she needed evidence (which is what she was supposed to get from “Roses”).

My Response

1.  If, at any point, you are calling a RADIO STATION to get in the middle of your marriage and try to get your spouse caught up?  That’s already a wrap ma’am. Like, no. Trickery and playing games? It serves for my entertainment (and trust me, it gets OH. SO. GOOD.), ESPECIALLY when someone gets caught up, but as for indications of a healthy marriage?  NOPE.

Side note: Bruh.  On “Roses” on Friday, the wife called in, and the husband sent his roses to another woman (Amanda) and the card said something like, “I love you and so glad we’re together” or whatever.  Guys.  THE WIFE WAS CRUSHED.  She had a complete emotional breakdown on the radio.  It was so sad.  He basically told her he was leaving her and the kids for Amanda and that was that.  It was Mother’s Day weekend 

Another side note: Another segment is “Revenge.” The sister of the wife who called in, got revenge on the soon to be ex husband by getting in contact with Amanda’s HUSBAND (sister found out she was married too) and telling him everything.  The husband cut a business trip short and was on his way back to Houston to deal with it. Soon to be ex husband got PISSED and told the sister that she had just ruined EVERYTHING.  It was wonderful. 

2. Paul’s mother (Lisa) was out of line and Paul was a complete idiot. When you are married, your WIFE is your family as well.  You are to put her above all others! Am I right?  So Lisa put him in a TERRIBLE position by asking him to keep a secret from his wife, ESPECIALLY if it includes him being missing at home.  Absolutely not.  And Paul was the idiot for not letting him mom know that he would HAVE to share what was going on WITH. HIS. WIFE.

He didn’t have to share the specifics of the situation, but he should’ve said SOMETHING.  Was Veronica mature in her reaction? No. Absolutely not.  This is your HUSBAND.  But Paul is not in the right either.

Another example of the necessity of REALLY understanding what MARRIAGE means. SMH

What do you think?

Michael Sam.

I debated if I even wanted to touch this one.  And I guess we see where I ended up.  The reason I was thinking about just leaving this alone entirely is because 1) it’s a touchy situation and 2) no matter what I say someone is probably going to twist up and misconstrue what I’m saying.  Well.  All I can say is if you have any questions, I am more than willing to answer them. I simply suggest you don’t come for me with your assumptions and accusations. Okay, let’s go.

Michael Sam is gay.

My view on that fact is basically, “okay.”

So. The kiss.  This wasn’t a shocker.  He’s gay. I wasn’t in front of the tv when I saw them kiss, but (obviously) saw it later on.  I (initially) wasn’t sure where the shock and surprise was coming from.  Again, he’s gay.

Two parts of this I want to address:

The Reaction.

But then I was later sent a link to see the cake scene.  Now.  That was a bit much (for ME, and yes, I checked myself to see if I would have the same opinion in a different situation).  More on that later, though.   And I’m assuming that maybe this is what set off the firestorm of reactions from people.  These reactions, from what I saw, were coming from straight men.  And here is how I feel about that.

1.  Is it unusual for straight men to state that they didn’t want to see two grown men kissing?  Is that really a terrible thing?  Does it have to mean that they are full of hate and are bigots and are homophobic and should be silenced?

– My personal belief is no, it’s not unusual, no it’s not terrible, and no they are not full of hate and they aren’t automatically bigots and they are not afraid of homosexuals and homosexuality.  They are straight men who aren’t comfortable with seeing two men kissing and licking cake off of each other.  Why can’t that be the end of it?  Why must it be that they HAVE to be comfortable with it? Or rather, why must it be that they are automatically bad people because of it?

Personally, I think it is a mistake to basically require EVERYBODY to either (1) state that they WANTED to see the PDA and (2) expect people to be silent if they disagree.  I believe people have the right to state their opinion and to disagree (or whatever) with whatever they see fit.

2. ^^ Having said that, there IS a difference between stating one’s opinion and being hateful and mean.  And I encourage people to understand there is a very fine line.  I am totally here for people voicing their opinion, no matter what said opinion might be. And I think people should be able to do so without being attacked or called names. HOWEVER, I have zero tolerance for being hateful, etc.

The Agenda.

This is probably not the best word for what I’m trying to say but it’s the only one I can think of.

My…issue (again, lack of a better word) with all of this is that it seems like it’s being forced…for the sake of saying he is the first openly gay player in the NFL.  It’s skirting on looking like he got drafted BECAUSE he is gay, as opposed to being BECAUSE he is a good football player <— which is the ENTIRE point of being drafted.  Sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with what you can or cannot do on the field.

First, Michael Sam made a national announcement that he was gay.  I honestly had no idea who he was. Had never heard of him.  So, I was like…”okay.” As you all know, it then became a very big deal.  But then Mr. Sam stated that he didn’t want to be known for his sexuality, but rather for his ability on the field.

SKKKKKKKKKRRRRRRRRT!!!!

Huh?  But.  Didn’t YOU make the announcement of your sexuality?  Which is 100% his choice…but….

Anyway.

So he said that.  But then when he gets drafted, he is (seemingly) going out of his way (the networks as well) to remind us that he is, in fact, gay.  Now….remember at the beginning I stated that it was not a shock (to me) that he kissed his significant other.  But.  There was more coverage on his affection with his significant other than (from what I understand) was given to EVERYBODY ELSE who was drafted.  Never ever have I seen or heard of a camera following a drafted player’s affection with their significant other to the extent that this was covered (I could be wrong, and I’m open to correction).

The reason why all of this (*this* being the fact that he was drafted) is questionable to me is because, from what I understand, he simply is not a good football player (in regard to fitting into NFL).  There seemed to be very significant evidence that he probably shouldn’t be drafted based on performance alone. But when the punter got drafted before he did, WHEW! The Twitter streets were on FIYA! I’m also sure articles were already being written about how the NFL was discriminating against him because he’s gay.  And think about the very real possibility that he gets cut?  You better believe the think pieces, articles, and protests follow.

If that happens, can we all agree that it could just be that….HE ISN’T A GOOD FIT IN THE NFL (not my words, again, this seems to be the general consensus)???????

I had a few conversations with gay men and I found out that some just aren’t appreciating this.  Of course they don’t speak for the entire community, but…perspective.  It seems like, to them, their sexuality is being exploited and is being used as a stepping stone.  Like, “This is a gay man…oh! and he happens to play football.”  Instead of, “This is a good football player, who is gay.”  And again, I’m only saying it like that in the context of what matters in the NFL.  Football.

The bottom line is that he has his chance to prove his critics wrong.  To prove that he does belong in the NFL and can contribute to a professional football team.  We shall see!

I’m interested to know y’alls take on it.  Am I off the mark?  Did I miss it?  Do you feel the same way? Let me know!

If Marriage Is A Woman Voluntarily Suffering, Then Yeah. No Thanks.

Ok. So this title is somewhat dramatic, but it got you to click so GREAT!

This is a follow-up to my post from yesterday, “Her Husband Says He Wants To Leave Her…She Basically Just Ignores Him

To say that I was shocked at the comments I got saying that she was “brave,” would be an understatement.  It turned into me CONSTANTLY be reminded of “for better or for worse” and that divorce isn’t always the right option (I never suggested it was).

I was kind of left feeling like I was the one who is COMPLETELY out of touch, and that it answered the question that I’ve been pondering, “Do you even really want to be married?”  And if tolerating this behavior from a man (in silence) and not being willing to be disrespected means I’m not “marriage material,” then so be it.  And I say that will the deepest sincerity.  It could just be that marriage isn’t for me.

I am taking a Theories of Marriage and Family class and brought this to the table for discussion tonight.  We had a GREAT dialogue and I left feeling like I am not completely crazy.  Married women (married for 20+ (one who has a POWERFUL testimony of marital problems) years and some married for less than 5), single women, men, different backgrounds, cultures, women/men of faith, etc….there is a nice mix in my class.  And ALL of us saw problems with this. Anyway, doing a video was MUCH easier than typing up a follow-up, so here we go!

By the way, this was just done tonight (and I am tired) so whatever happened in the first take was just gonna have to do. LOL

Her Husband Says He Wants To Leave Her…She Basically Just Ignores Him

You absolutely must read this before reading the rest of this blog—> “He said he was leaving. She ignored him.

No, seriously.  You have to read it cause that’s what this entire post is about.  I’ll put some pieces in here but you really should get a feel for the entire thing.

Ok.  So now that you’ve read it (or not), let me say that I had to take a minute to gather myself before I reacted.  I tried to be as objective as possible. But this part right here?

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say, “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

No sir and no ma’am.  You, as my grown ass man husband, come and tell me you don’t love me anymore and want to leave?  I’m going to grant you your wish.  I will not respond to my grown ass man husband the way a mother would respond to a child throwing a temper tantrum….because…he isn’t a child.  NOPE. Not Tasha. As an adult, I believe you have the right to feel what you feel and and do some critical thinking.  I’m thinking that you’ve thought about how you feel about me for some time and the conclusion that you’ve come to is that you don’t love me anymore.  WELP. Okay.  I believe you. The FIRST time you say it.  And I’m DEFINITELY not going to give you the opportunity to repeat it.

Now.  I’m considering the fact that this wife knows that her husband has been hit hard in the place of employment.  And she knows that is rough on him.  So initially, I get her not “believing” his “I don’t love you anymore.”  BUT:

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual 6 o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July — the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks — to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time, as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.

NOPE!

You’re having a hard time with employment?  Fine.  You acting out in an irresponsible and hurtful manner in front of our children!? NOPE!

So.  Instead of “hurting the family” by giving him exactly what it is that he wants and allowing him to act like a grown child on his own (and come to his own conclusions about what he “needs”), you keep him in the house with your children so he can hurt the family in a way that is visible to said kids?

NOAP.

Now.  I see that this ended up working for her.  But, my initial (maybe harsh) reaction is that she’s selfish.  She explains that she had just embarked on a commitment to herself called “the End of Suffering.”  So basically no matter what, she wasn’t going to let any situation or circumstance cause her to suffer.  But what about the kids?

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!?!?!?!?!?!?!

They don’t have the emotional maturity to participate in “the End of Suffering.”  If you, as a woman, want to put yourself in a situation where you’re ignoring the fact that you’re hurting or have been hurt, COOL.  But trust and believe, those kids didn’t find it as easy.

While I’m not married, I’m almost sure I can say that my husband would’ve had to go and have his irresponsible breakdown away from myself and my children.  The fact that instead of coming TO me, he concluded to run AWAY from me…and then aim to hurt me as much as possible, in front of our children, is unacceptable. Absolutely not. No.

AND THEN when you get done hurting me and decide that you want to talk about our future again, it’s all good and we go back to being a family!?  What you have just taught this man is that no matter how he acts out, he gets to 1) stay home and 2) decide when he wants to be a family man.

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

But.  She’s happy.  So.  That’s all that counts, right? I just don’t think y’all should try to do the same thing (for the most part).  This is how women go crazy and end up killing their husbands cause they snapped.  Now your kids don’t have either parent. No.

A piece of me (like 3%) admires her for sticking it out.  But the other 97% still thinks she’s selfish.

Check out my follow-up to this post: “If Marriage Is A Woman Voluntarily Suffering, Then Yeah. No Thanks.

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