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Ladies, maybe we wouldn’t stress about marriage, if we weren’t stressing about children?

This is something that came to me some time ago.  I realized that every time I thought about marriage, and was stressing out (or worried about) about it, my next thought was almost always about having kids.

A little background. I’ve always been family oriented.  I KNEW I wanted to be married.  I KNEW I wanted to have kids.  And I KNEW I wanted both to happen soon.  I wanted to be a young bride (although those who were married young told me I really didn’t want this).  So when that didn’t happen around 25, I started to get concerned (depressed?).  It literally became a source of panic for me.  But then I thought that something like family shouldn’t bring on those types of feelings in me.  So I started to examine WHY I was thinking about it so much in the first place.

Kids.

It’s (almost) all about the kids.  I have a personal cut off age of when I’m going to allow myself to become pregnant (sorry, but I’m not trying to be 45 with an infant. NOPE.) But when I allowed myself to remove children from the equation entirely (that was tough), or to even consider that maybe being a mother wasn’t God’s plan for me (WHAT!?), then the panic and urgency of wanting to be married as soon as possible eased up.

Today I read, “I Don’t Want To Have Children (And That’s Okay).” Loved it.

Just tossing this out there, not wanting kids totally takes off the pressure of a timeline for shaking up. I could meet the dude whenever, be it tomorrow or ten years from now and not have to consider fertility treatments or the likelihood of Autism or birth defects. No work for you, little uterus; your next big event will be menopause.

“Well you just haven’t met the guy, that’s why you don’t want to have kids YET.” My colleague replies, completely disregarding my boss sitting next to her who met the guy, married him, and opted for dogs instead.

“Maybe,” I said. I know she meant well but I didn’t feel like continuing my involvement in the conversation. I was done defending myself on the topic.

This part right here. I envy this woman for being so carefree about her dating life.  And at one point and time, this is the place where I was trying to get to.

I’m now 30.  No serious situation going on. At all.  Single in all the ways that are possible. And that’s okay.  No, it’s not a scarlet letter.  No, there’s nothing wrong with me (by the way, stop asking people “why” when they tell you they’re single.  It’s stupid.).  *We* simply haven’t run into each other yet (I don’t think).  And you know what? I can take my time.  I can wait for someone who has the qualities I desire in a mate.  Yes, I could’ve married earlier (the opportunity was there), but what’s the point of having children with a man you’re miserable with?  I’m not talking about that life.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve had my moments.  I’ve been to the place of being willing to settle.  I’ve been to the place of thinking maybe “he” is as good as it gets for me.  I’ve cried over it, prayed over it, repeat, repeat, repeat. And sometimes, I feel that feeling of defeat (worry? sorrow?) creep back in.  But now, I breathe. And I remember.  It’s okay.  It’s all okay.

Do I want to be a mother (and for me, mother=wife)? Absolutely.  But will it be the end of the world if it doesn’t happen?  No.  It just means that my plan was different from what God’s plan was.  And I choose His.

The Art of Dating … (Me)

Disclaimer: Dating (for me) means going out on dates.  Spending time together.  It doesn’t automatically mean sex. 

Dating.  I have a love/hate relationship with this word. Mainly because of all of the ins and outs and dos and don’t.  And my general dislike for getting let down in a situation.

It has come to the point where I have to put my foot down.  I am guilty of being passive in situations.  I am guilty of going back on my word (I won’t entertain this/that).  But I am making a promise to myself…NEVER. AGAIN.  I owe myself more.  I don’t have to take the bull that a nice amount of men are offering.  The reason I am on this is because of what just happened on twitter (read from the bottom up):

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Yes.  Personally, I don’t see how people date multiple people for long periods of time.  This is assuming you’re dating to eventually be in a committed/serious relationship.  If that’s not your goal then yeah, I see how you do it.  But for those who eventually want that, how could this possibly go on for a long period of time?  At some point, doesn’t someone start to stick out to you?  Don’t the other start to annoy you?  Doesn’t it seem like you’re forcing the other situations?

It doesn’t take me forever to figure out if I’m interested in someone.  And when I do, I have tunnel vision.  Now.  I never ever impose this on a man.  I understand not all people *feel* as quickly as I do.  In fact, I do the complete opposite.  I let him do what he wants, without any interference from me.  But it IS going to come to the point where I start to feeling some sort of way about him dating other women.  It is going to come to a point where I am going to get FED. UP. with feeling like I’m not a PRIORITY (and I deserve to be.  So do you.).  And at that point, if that’s what he’s going to continue to do, then I’m out. Period.  No drama, no biggie.  Just BYE.  This may not be the healthiest way of dealing with it.  So why do I do that?  The following tweets may help to explain (again, read from bottom to the top):

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I almost threw a hymnal at her cause she is PREACHING here.

YES!!! Women are conditioned to not pressure a man!  And apparently asking him ANYTHING close to “where are we” or “what are we doing” is pressuring him.  We’ve been conditioned to believing that.

For me, that conditioning has left me to simply cut and run instead of confronting the situation. Again, probably not the healthiest way of dealing.  But why do I even believe that is the best way? Because I really think that if a man is feeling me then he’s going to make the moves to lock me down.  And it won’t take forever.  So why should I even have to ask?   Does this make sense?  Or is it a consequence of believing that women shouldn’t EVER pressure a man?

“I don’t have time for the flow. Sorry, not sorry.” <— This sums it up for me.  As I mentioned before, I’ve fallen victim to allowing myself to be strung along for unbelievable periods of time.  But NO. MORE.  It just can’t happen.  I’ve tried being the cool chick.  I’ve tried just giving him (extreme amounts of) time to figure it out.  I’ve been to the place where I’ve made excuses for why this thing hasn’t moved along.  I’ve been to the place where I’ve talked myself into continuing on in a situation that I’m uncomfortable with.

NO. MORE.  And I mean that.

Did TI and Tiny Split?

There have been little rumors popping up lately that TI and Tiny’s marriage wasn’t really headed in a good direction.

But does his post on Instagram confirm a split?

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“F*ck whoever”???  O_o

Mention of God (after the above. ok.), mention of children…no mention of wife.

I think a split is a safe assumption.

I like his jacket though.

Can you imagine the size of those child support checks!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

He’s Just Not That Into You

One of the main questions a woman may have in these dating streets is how to know if a man is feeling her or not.  VIBE Vixen did a nice piece entitled, “9 Reasons Why He’s Just Not That Into You.” The title is actually misleading because it isn’t answering “why” as so much as it is telling you “how” to know if he is or not.  Anyway.  Some are common sense, but here are a few of my favorites.

1. He hasn’t asked you on a date…

If you guys just started talking. He should be interested, meaning he should be taking initiative and putting in work. You don’t want some effortless attempt to give you attention, you want him to be genuinely feeling you. After the first or second day of talking to you a man usually knows if he’s going to pursue you or not. So if he hasn’t asked you on a date after a week, he’s just not feeling the vibe. Don’t waste your time! He’s just not that into you.

Seems like common sense, right? But I know I’m not the only one who has fallen into this rut.  Thinking that maybe he just enjoys the conversation and is trying to get to know me.  No.  Spending time together is part of getting to know me.  So yeah. A man who is into you is going to want to spend time with you, and vice versa.

5. Booty Call

This is a given. It is inappropriate to get late night hit-ups, especially if it is technically the next morning. Don’t let him hit you up at 12 a.m wanting to “chill.” He’s definitely interested, but in only one thing. If he can’t contact you when the sun’s out, he’s just not that into you

Self explanatory.  Listen.  I’m not gonna say that he’s a “bad” guy.  He just doesn’t want you for anything more than sex, that’s all.  And if you’re okay with that, as I always say – know your role, and play it well.  Don’t think you’re gonna sex him into a relationship though.  Again, a man who is into you WILL want to spend some time with you outside of the bedroom.

6. Avoiding physical contact

There’s nothing wrong with a little PDA (public display of affection). He should be proud to call you his girl and a simple hand holding gesture is a cute and affective way to show that you’re his. If he’s not with it, he’ll have no problem with you two being confused as brother and sister. That’s not good. Test him, grab his hand, if he puts it in his pocket, he’s just not that into you.

This one may be more about personal preference.  I absolutely loved when my ex was physically touching me in public.  Holding hands, arm around me. Kissed me whenever. Yup.  Loved it. Made me feel good.  But I’m also all for public displays of affection, and am generally an extremely affectionate person. It’s a necessity for me.  In the same place and you’re walking 3 feet away from me? Nah.  BUT. Not everybody is like that. Personal preference.

7. The Secret

It’s been a while and you haven’t met anyone is his life yet. When a guy doesn’t want to show you off to his friends and family he’s probably not satisfied with what he has. Don’t let him take you for granted, you’re fine just the way you are. If he doesn’t want to bring you home to his momma, then he’s just not that into you.

Yes.  Completely agree.  We’re grown.  He is going to weddings.  He is going to functions with some of his friends that are attached.  And you’re NEVER invited.  Girl.

8. Canceling on you

You’ve finally worked up the gumption to initiate an outing between you two and something always happens to come up. Whether he “has to do something for his mom” or “his grandmother’s sick,” it’s still a lame excuse. We get that life happens, but it’s a little suspicious that it always happens when you are trying to have quality time. The point is, he’s just not that into you.

THIS. RIGHT. HERE.

Ladies, DO NOT fall into the trap of making excuses for him.  Understand this —-> PEOPLE MAKE TIME FOR PEOPLE THEY FEEL ARE IMPORTANT.  Period.  Fact. No if, ands, or buts about it.  If he’s into you, he WILL make a way to see you. Again, another trap I’ve fallen into.  I looked up one day and noticed that it had literally been months of “let’s do this” and then suddenly something came up.  Or he had to do this or that.  Seriously?

I’ll admit that this is a biggie for me because I am big on a man keeping his word.  If I can’t trust you to follow through, then what’s the point?  Continuing to cancel should show you something about him.  And if he REALLY is that busy, then fine.  It’s still not going to work because you are simply too busy for me.

I liked this list.  I thought it was a good one.  And yeah, it sucks to be into a guy and then figure out he’s just kind of stringing you along.  Like I’ve been told, a man will continue doing whatever a woman will allow him to do.  That is the truth. The key though is to recognize he isn’t into you, and DEAL with it.  Let him go.  However you need to do it (don’t be petty though).  You don’t owe him anything.  Don’t let him convince you otherwise. You ONLY owe yourself the room to be with someone who appreciates you and who IS into you.

Let it go. Get over it. Move forward.